We are thankful to report that this years “Teddy Bear Parachute Jump” held on the 2nd of October passed off without any major injury to either teddies, children or grown-ups. The weather was kind to us, and great fun was had by one and all. However some doubt has been cast over just how much fun it was for the teddies according to an account we have recieved from one of the participants “Ginger Stevens” which reads as follows:
My name is Ginger and I am a twenty year old Teddy bear supposedly much loved by the people that I live with in Hamble. On Sunday 2nd October I was subjected to the most appalling abuse that a bear could possibly experience. I was transported to St Andrews church in a plastic carrier bag and left in the vestry by my keeper while she took part in the church service. Shortly afterwards, much to my relief I was removed from the bag and taken out into the sunshine.
I was joined by several other cuddly toys and we all started to chat while all the owners stood around looking up at the church tower and pointing at three men at the top who appeared to be discussing the best way to climb down the tower. Suddenly a wicker shopping basket tied to a rope was produced and without warning I and some of the other toys were fitted with small harnesses fitted with small coloured pieces of silk. The next moment a shark, a dinosaur and I were unceremoniously placed in the basket and hauled up the tower. At the top we were taken from the basket and after some discussion by the three men about wind (there was plenty, I can tell you) we were hurled from the tower, I thought to almost certain death. However suddenly I started to float towards the people on the ground, most of whom were cheering and screaming like a crowd of demented X Factor fans. After a slightly bumpy landing I was placed in the basket again to repeat the experience much to the delight of the large crowd that had now gathered in the churchyard. Meanwhile all the owners were tucking into what was supposed to be a teddy bears picnic. Some teddy bears picnic that turned out to be. There was no honey or salmon and the bears and other animals had nothing to eat at all. The dinosaur was ravenous and the tortoise was reduced to munching some grass around a gravestone.
After several more trips up the tower and returning to earth by parachute the owners seemed to tire of their fun and started to discuss doing the same show next year. They must be joking. I have bruises all over and some of the others have more serious injuries. The tortoise has a cracked shell after he landed on his back. The shark says he will refuse to jump again unless he can land in a bath full of water and the dinosaur wants to use his wings to glide down and frighten all the humans on the ground.
I have already contacted the RSPCCT (Royal society for the prevention of cruelty to cuddly toys) and the local branch rep Teddy Roosevelt has told me that we all should have had health and safety training before being allowed to jump.
We are sorry to hear of your traumatic experience Ginger but we understand your counselling is going well. Your concerns will of course be handed on to our ‘Elf and Safety’ officer!